I just tried to write an article that felt utterly unauthentic. Very irritating.
Here we are, attempting to allow my feelings to lead me with this – having the best time ever. Not.
The goal of this exercise is to allow myself to feel – really feel.
Because apparently I don’t do enough of that.
Well I don’t really. I never feel. I prefer not to. I prefer to feel through the filter of logic. If I can understand it, I will allow myself to feel it.
Alas, here we are, left only with the persistent emotions that cannot be filtered by logic.
Can you tell I’m attempting to delay the process of feeling for as long as possible?
I have an area of my life that is directly effected by my reluctancy in this area, it’s something I’ve tried to think my way out of for years, to no avail.
I’ve genuinely research damn near everything I can to attempt to find a logical solution as to why I find myself uncontrollable around food at times.
I know all the logical solutions; more calories out than in, less refined foods, more whole foods, exercise releases endorphins, etc, etc.
I even know the CBT solutions; mindful eating, fork down between bites, small portions, no distractions, etc.
I’ve even gone as far as being involved in a 12 step program around Food Addiction; which I left after disagreeing with the entire absence of a reintegration program.
These have all had very temporary effects on my predicament. Some worked for a little while, but none had longevity.
Here I am – post my PhD in weight loss from a lifetime of being overweight – and I feel no closer to a solution than I did 12 years ago.
Until three days ago.
Three days ago a very close girlfriend of mine insisted it will never be something I can logically think my way out of. She suggested that perhaps this was only ever going to be resolved through a deep process of feeling and healing. Not in a hindsight, lets-look-at-your-history way, but in an everyday feeling kind of way.
I could have packed up shop then and there.
There is a very distinct part of me – perhaps my ego – that REALLY doesn’t want to feel. Couldn’t think of anything worse; equal parts annoying, weakness and exhausting.
I do however think this could be a good thing to trial – and here we are. Giving it a go.
The argument can be made that by writing down my feels I am processing logically, but we’ll bench that for now as something is better than nothing, amiright?
Ok, how do I feel?
I just did laundry and am contemplating starting a painting to avoid this. Ha!
- I feel overwhelmed
- by this task
- by having to see my close girlfriends today
- by my new relationship
- I feel enriched
- by my new relationship
- by the fact that I have the girls in my life that I have – I’m truly so lucky to know these women. Amazes me that they want to spend time with me too.
- I feel scared
- that I’ll lose the above people
- that I’ll never get on top of this issue
- that I’ll be overweight forever, and thus limited. For me, being overweight gets in the way of me doing a lot of things I want to do. I don’t dress that way I’d like to because none of the clothes fit my body the right way. I don’t get out and do things I want to do because I’m scared that my weight will get in the way of the activity. It sounds like I’m hiding behind my weight as a reason to not live my life fully – and maybe that’s true. Maybe I’m afraid that if I lose the weight, I’m on my own. Full exposure. No excuses now.
That is terrifying. The idea that my weight is my protection from liability.
“Oh, it’s not my fault, it’s because I’m fat” – potentially my excuse for not having/acheving things in my life.
- Why did your previous boyfriends discard you?
- Why do all your friends eventually leave?
- Why are you still under playing in your life?
- Why aren’t you chasing your hobbies to see if they could be dreams?
- Why are you settling in comfort and predictability?
Concerned in an understatement.
I have never thought of myself as someone who felt served by being overweight – ever. Seems I was just kidding myself. Despite ALL the shit that comes with carrying excess weight, none of it hurt more than being labelled a failure. “Instead you can plaster that label on my weight problem, because that’s why I don’t have a complete life I love. It’s not me as a person, it’s my weight problem”.
Please hold. Digesting.