Ok, so, those of you who’ve been following along the last few days know I’ve been working intensely through some emotions.
I had an appointment with my psychologist last night and we delved even further into my physical manifestation of emotions through the third eye, throat, heart and naval spaces.
We practiced mobilising techniques of speaking with ownership the feelings that stem from these sites.
This session climaxed with my realisation that as a child, when I was in my fathers care, I was blamed for many things I never did, I felt utterly invisible throughout most of my childhood and was silenced on almost every subject. This has resulted in my aversion to conflict, my need to surrogate feelings for others because I believe I can take the pain for them, the importance I place on my own voice and being heard, and an assortment of other behaviours/trauma.
I woke up this morning, feeling very groggy and a little ‘off’, shall we say.
I had a final round interview with a top tier bank today that I was excited about, but unsure as to whether or not I should go.
I decided it would be best to get ready, and go.
Half an hour of driving later, I arrive at the location. It’s a little off where I thought it would be and I immediately started to feel a tightening in my forehead.
I drive around.
2hr parking signs are everywhere – perfect! this is all I need!
No free spaces.
I keep driving.
I see a space, but its a fair walk away and my shoes will grate on feet if I have to walk that far.
I decide to give it another go looking closer to the site, or to look at the paid parking.
Forehead getting tighter. Emotions stirring.
Around and around in circles I go for 20 minutes.
Paid parking is $30-40 for 2 hours. No.
I keep missing the street parking.
Session starts at 12:00pm, it’s 11:48am.
The email asks us to arrive 15 minutes early so I already feel like I’m letting them down.
More driving before I head back to that other spot and risk the walk, space taken.
Tears start rolling down my cheeks.
I decide it’s best to drive home and email them when I’m home to explain what happened – totally unsure what kind of email that was going to be, because how do you tell a future employer that you’re in the middle of a fairly intense emotional workshop on yourself and you’re still getting to know your triggers?
As I’m driving home, the feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted takes centre stage. My awareness that I’m emotionally drained is clear as day, and my incessant feelings of overwhelm refuse to be ignored. So here I am, driving, feeling every second of them.
The bank calls.
Where am I? Is everything ok?
I explain briefly that I’ve had a rough few days and I attempted to make it but struggled to find parking and would need to unfortunately not attend today.
They said it was fine and they’d rebook me for the next available session.
Shocked, relieved and grateful. I’m so grateful that woman made that call and made my day that little bit easier.
Now, as I type this in bed – head thumping, eyes puffy, totally wiped out – I’m still trying to honour every feeling I have today. Tiredness. Overwhelm. Needy.
This is going to be a wild month or two while I process all these pent up feelings. It’ll only get better from here.
Madison Liddell 