Mo’ Time, Mo’ Feels

Here we go again, another day of feeling…

After some confronting conversations with some close friends last night, I’m feeling very light. My honesty and candour with these close girlfriends has enriched our already long and heartfelt friendships – at least as far as I can tell.

It’s always hard to know how they’ve experienced the evening, and I remember constantly being careful to ensure they didn’t feel that I was putting anything on them.

Which leads me to today’s feels;

Today I am unsure about why I surrogate peoples feelings all the time.

  • Why am I so afraid of offending people?
  • Why do I feel it’s my responsibility to surrogate peoples feelings for them?
  • Why am I frightened to confront people when I feel they’ve hurt me? Or destabilised the emotions I held for them?

At a guess, I would imagine it has to do with the emotional abuse I grew up around.

Adults who confided their problems and emotions to a teenage me.
Adults whose emotions were so out of control, anything would set them off.
Adults who created a “walking-on-eggshell” home environment everyday.
Adults who made their very adult problems public to their developing children.
Adults who manifested an environment where feelings equalled drama/violence/pain.
Adults who didn’t have the tools to emotionally support their children.
Adults who didn’t understand the idea of a ‘Childs voice’.
Adults who unfortunately didn’t know any better.

It seems I have an innate fear of upsetting people from an installed fear that it will result in pain for me. That if I upset someone they’ll come bearing down on me like a tonne of bricks and I’ll feel trapped under the weight of their emotions.

Instead I internalise.

I’d rather work through my emotions alone – and incredibly slowly – than risk rocking the boat with a friend/colleague/family member.

Thankfully last night I was able to set some of those emotions free. I was able to safely communicate how I felt and my friends took it really well.

Last night I didn’t have to surrogate.

Turns out, I don’t have to surrogate tomorrow either.

Today, this is how I feel;

  • I feel grateful:
    • To the amazing friends I have who create and hold safe spaces for me.
    • To my amazing boyfriend who holds an infinite amount of space and time for me.
    • To the process of time and healing.
    • To the fortunate life circumstances I was born into which has allowed for access to free mental healthcare (if you’re based in Australia, we have this).
    • For my health, the love of my family and friends and for the daily chance to grow and create newness.
  • I feel nervous
    • About my next move. Will I be able to work through my feelings or will I continue to eat them? Will I choose healing over convenience and a quick fix?
    • About parenting my inner child. Will she be open to feeling again? Will she listen to me? Does she know this is the only way forward?

Well, I guess she does, as she is me. But I can feel that she’s scared and really doesn’t want to feel pain again – she feels like she’s had her share and shouldn’t have to feel anymore pain.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tonight, so I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

It’s my weight problem…

I just tried to write an article that felt utterly unauthentic. Very irritating.

Here we are, attempting to allow my feelings to lead me with this – having the best time ever. Not.

The goal of this exercise is to allow myself to feel – really feel.

Because apparently I don’t do enough of that.

Well I don’t really. I never feel. I prefer not to. I prefer to feel through the filter of logic. If I can understand it, I will allow myself to feel it.

Alas, here we are, left only with the persistent emotions that cannot be filtered by logic.

Can you tell I’m attempting to delay the process of feeling for as long as possible?

I have an area of my life that is directly effected by my reluctancy in this area, it’s something I’ve tried to think my way out of for years, to no avail.

My weight.

I’ve genuinely research damn near everything I can to attempt to find a logical solution as to why I find myself uncontrollable around food at times.

I know all the logical solutions; more calories out than in, less refined foods, more whole foods, exercise releases endorphins, etc, etc.

I even know the CBT solutions; mindful eating, fork down between bites, small portions, no distractions, etc.

I’ve even gone as far as being involved in a 12 step program around Food Addiction; which I left after disagreeing with the entire absence of a reintegration program.

These have all had very temporary effects on my predicament. Some worked for a little while, but none had longevity.

Here I am – post my PhD in weight loss from a lifetime of being overweight – and I feel no closer to a solution than I did 12 years ago.

Until three days ago.

Three days ago a very close girlfriend of mine insisted it will never be something I can logically think my way out of. She suggested that perhaps this was only ever going to be resolved through a deep process of feeling and healing. Not in a hindsight, lets-look-at-your-history way, but in an everyday feeling kind of way.

I could have packed up shop then and there.

There is a very distinct part of me – perhaps my ego – that REALLY doesn’t want to feel. Couldn’t think of anything worse; equal parts annoying, weakness and exhausting.

I do however think this could be a good thing to trial – and here we are. Giving it a go.

The argument can be made that by writing down my feels I am processing logically, but we’ll bench that for now as something is better than nothing, amiright?

Ok, how do I feel?

I just did laundry and am contemplating starting a painting to avoid this. Ha!

  • I feel overwhelmed
    • by this task
    • by having to see my close girlfriends today
    • by my new relationship
  • I feel enriched
    • by my new relationship
    • by the fact that I have the girls in my life that I have – I’m truly so lucky to know these women. Amazes me that they want to spend time with me too.
  • I feel scared
    • that I’ll lose the above people
    • that I’ll never get on top of this issue
    • that I’ll be overweight forever, and thus limited. For me, being overweight gets in the way of me doing a lot of things I want to do. I don’t dress that way I’d like to because none of the clothes fit my body the right way. I don’t get out and do things I want to do because I’m scared that my weight will get in the way of the activity. It sounds like I’m hiding behind my weight as a reason to not live my life fully – and maybe that’s true. Maybe I’m afraid that if I lose the weight, I’m on my own. Full exposure. No excuses now.

That is terrifying. The idea that my weight is my protection from liability.

“Oh, it’s not my fault, it’s because I’m fat” – potentially my excuse for not having/acheving things in my life.

Good gracious.

  • Why did your previous boyfriends discard you?
  • Why do all your friends eventually leave?
  • Why are you still under playing in your life?
  • Why aren’t you chasing your hobbies to see if they could be dreams?
  • Why are you settling in comfort and predictability?

Concerned in an understatement.

I have never thought of myself as someone who felt served by being overweight – ever. Seems I was just kidding myself. Despite ALL the shit that comes with carrying excess weight, none of it hurt more than being labelled a failure. “Instead you can plaster that label on my weight problem, because that’s why I don’t have a complete life I love. It’s not me as a person, it’s my weight problem”.

Please hold. Digesting.